Saturday, February 20, 2010

The Kidnapping of Miss X

Hello world. My name is Miss X and I desperately need to tell you my story. All I ask is a few minutes of your time. The whole thing began while hanging out with my friends, minding my own business. A strange woman with curly brown hair happened along and completely changed my life as I knew it.

You need to know that I've been thought of as classy and stylish and rather well put together. I was used to being lusted after until "she" came along and ended it all, from complete freedom to utter insubordination in the ca-ching of a cash register. I was snatched from my home and forced to live in a Florida condo. OK, so the condo was pretty nice but I was frequently stuffed in a dark, cramped place with the other kidnap victims. Pretty brutal treatment after being so admired and displayed.

It was apparent she was extremely fond of me because wherever she went, so did I. I accompanied her to the mall, to restaurants, sporting events and walks in the park. That part of it was fun, I must admit. My real problems began the day she went on a donut binge. She bought a dozen frosted, creme filled pastries and ate every single one of them. Then she started in on fast food restaurants, consuming burgers, fries, Cokes, burritos and whatever else she found irresistible. My goodness, she could eat.

Days turned into weeks and I began to suffer, feeling stretched to my limit and I constantly worried about falling apart. I was a nervous wreck! If a pair of jeans ever needed Xanax, it was me! My seams started to pull apart. My zipper strained with all her tugs and pulls and eventually got stuck. I wound up in a pile of abused clothing in the back of her closet, neglected.

So here I am, telling you my story and imploring you to help. I was born to be loved and cared for and I've wound up discarded and forlorn. There must be something you can do to bring "her" to her senses. I doubt whether I could ever slide over her hips again. I don't think her thighs were meant for the confines of anyone like me.

More than likely, you didn't know a pair of jeans could write a blog post. But stranger things have happened! So tell me, please, what should I do? Oh, and before you go, I promised I would mention that too small pair of jeans in YOUR closet...

23 comments:

Jules - Big Girl Bombshell said...

Thank you miss smarty jeans.Your story is shared by many a pair of jeans! AWESOME! Simply AWESOME!

Googie said...

Thanks so much!!!! I needed your post!!!

Shannon said...

Very cute and creative. I have a pair of jeans that claim they are related to the jeans in your closet;)

karen@fitnessjourney said...

I'm pretty sure it was my dryer that caused the problem. LOL! Last year I was 10 pounds heavier and in total denial. I really thought that my dryer had spontaneously started to shrink all of my clothes and that it had nothing to do with my pitiful exercise habits.

FollowMeDown30 said...

LOL

M said...

I have a few pairs of jeans that have a similar story!

Joan Nova said...

Interesting angle. Overeating not only shortens one's life, it shortens the life of clothes too. No wonder we see so many fat people in the mall...they're all shopping for new clothes. (Was that bad of me to say? didn't mean to be unkind)

Rapunzel said...

*gulp* I hear my skinny jeans joining the chorus of her friends across the globe, reminding me of the cheesecake I just ate in honor of my daughter's birthday...

Alexandra said...

Poor jeans. :-( lol I have a couple pairs of those, myself...

I have an award for you over at my blog. Check it out! <3
http://axm1986.blogspot.com

RECOMENZAR said...

Great text lleno de imaginacion
besos y vino

Jenn said...

Oh, your poor jeans! Abused and neglected.
This was a great post - very creative! Now step away from the burrito....your jeans will thank you, lol!

Bobbie's Babbles said...

There is a pair I own that has a hole in the leg that I just patched because they are my favorite jeans. They fit best at 135, look good at 139, but after that number, they are just too tight and painful to wear. Sorry to say, I haven't worn them since I came home from the Christmas cruise. I'm up and down, but haven't been down enough to feel like even trying them on. Thanks for the reminder!!!!

Mimi said...

I totally LOVE your blog! So great to connect with the wonderful community of health/fitness/weight-loss bloggers out there! Thanks for the inspiration.

Don't know ya, but I have feeling you'll appreciate my "Vintage WW Blog" and my new weight loss "experiment". Hope you'll check it out!

http://theskinnyjeansproject.blogspot.com/

Minnesota Mami said...

You are not alone, you poor abused and neglected jeans. There are a pair or two in my closet too...perhaps ya'll could have an 'abused neglected jeans party'. But seriously Ms. Jeans, perhaps you could find your way onto a hanger and hang yourself on the back of the bathroom door or something where *she* will see you more often and desire to rendezvous like you once did. Perhaps she will try you on from time to time and when you don't fit, she might want to do some working out or eating well so that she may fit you right again. Here's to Hoping Ms. Jeans! Best wishes (incredibly creative post Ms. Former Jeans Wearer!) :)

SeaShore said...

Don't give up, Jeans! You will see the light of day and be worn proudly again. Never give up.

PS - Thank you for the smile :)

Nicole @ Let Them Eat Lettuce said...

Haha very funny. Awe what our clothes would say if they could talk!

Anonymous said...

quitting is not the option to be choosen, if you feel like giving up then check this blog, it is very inspiring, at least to me.
Weight Loss Before and After

Jules - Big Girl Bombshell said...

Ellen

Please stop by and pick up your award and your personalized Bombshell title!

Paula Rodriguez said...

I agree. What a creative post. Never thought of telling a story from a pair of pant's perpective. Thanks for the clever post.

I look forward to reading your blog. BTW. Love your masthead.

Lauralei said...

how adorable - you have a gift with words - i think i have finally sent all my skinnies off to greener pastures - styles are going to be WAY different when i can fit back into them :)

spunkysuzi said...

The more i read this post the bigger the smile on my face :) I have a couple of pairs of jeans that can definitely relate!

Khris said...

hehehe...cute...but you know what. I ditched all those jeans and said when I get skinny again I am buying new clothes...I dont want the old clothes I want new ones...if I was you I would turn those jeans into a jeans handbag...cut those legs off. Find some funky new fabric to line the bag and make some handles out of the legs....you will be able to keep those jeans and use them for now and buy new ones when you get to where you want to be...hugs Khris

C.G. the Foodie said...

I love this post. Thank you!!!